Things have been going well since my last outing. I've been feeling well with no pink fog or gender dysphoria and I have been wondering if it's because I was able to live as Elly for a few days. Is it a 'high' like something that a drug user feels? I'm certainly not complaining at all, I feel alive again and it is so good! The depression that goes along with the PFGD (pink-fog-gender-dysphoria) is also gone. And all without meds that I once thought were so necessary to keep me moving.
Having been treated for major depression for six years I think I know a little about the illness from a personal standpoint, no expert though. The last anti-depressant I was on was an MAO-inhibitor, a very dangerous class of drugs. Eating the wrong kind of food or anything alcoholic could cause an immediate cerebral aneurysm that tend to be rather fatal. In addition to the MAO-inhibitor I was given a med to help me sleep and another to help me stay awake during my working day. It was just like being on a submarine, up to the surface and back down to the depths. What saved me almost killed me, a near fatal heart attack in my late forties. They took me off all my meds and I've been dealing with depression ever since, med-free. And then therapy began again over a year ago.
I feel very fortunate to have found a very skilled psychotherapist who has helped me discover who and what I am, a human being, unique like everyone else is. She has helped me learn to love myself and to become proud of who I am and that there is nothing wrong with being transgender, it's something that I had no choice or decision in. And then there is this wonderful humanity that is here in Blogistan, you have helped me understand myself and that I'm really not alone. My depression is there and I know deep down that it'll never go away completely just as the PFGD won't leave either. Something that I have learned to live with and accept. If dressing and going out as Elly helps with the PFGD, then I have some control (thanks Halle) over my emotions and that is good. I hope this post helps someone out there as I have been helped.
Hugs, Elly
2 comments:
Elly,
I'm wiping away tears as I type this response. When are the professionals going to learn that the cure to all of our ills, is not some stupid pharmaceutical concoction?
I'm so glad you got a chance to get out an be yourself! The answer is so simple, isn't it? Just let people be themselves!
Big sisterly hug!
Melissa XX
Glad you made it out of the submarine alive, El. The cure sounds as bad as the illness.
No pink fog, eh? Sounds like anecdotal evidence supporting the feeding of the beast as a means to control your dysphoria. Now, if we could just have those feed the beast opportunities when we need them...
Love ya, girlfriend!
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