It's back into the land of depression and the pink fog for me, I felt it coming on Friday night and it has crept back into my head. Those of us that have this 'gift' know of it all too well. Somehow this cartoon by Darby Conley seemed appropriate to add to this post, a male dog who feels like a princess.... I found this in Saturday's paper and it just seemed to fit with my mood. It's a week until I see my therapist, I guess I can hold on to some semblance of sanity, have done so for many years now. I'm not taking any anti-depressants, spent too many years on psychotropic meds and almost ended up dead because of them. While they may work for some people they are not on my list anymore. I'd been doing real good for so long but I knew it would come back eventually.I think one of the driving factors is my wife's ever-changing acceptance and denial of my gender identity, one moment she is OK with 'it' and the next she wants to go back to before 'it' surfaced. It's very confusing for both of us. The support group met this past Saturday and I was planning on attending but my wife's attitude about it told me it was better not to go, so maybe next month. The downside of this group is that it's an 1-1/2 hour drive just to get there.
On a positive note it's been over a week with fur-free legs and I haven't had any comments about my legs yet. Wearing shorts all the time it's pretty obvious but if anyone has noticed they haven't commented to me. We even did our usual Sunday outing at the beach and walking into the surf I noticed that it felt different without all that hair on my legs. The water seemed to flow so smoothly around my legs. One thing this does is open up new wardrobe possibilities, I can go shopping for skirts and maybe even a dress (I'm thinking something retro from the fifties)! Now shopping, that can put a smile on a gurls face and bring the mood up just a notch.
Hugs, Elly
6 comments:
The fog has it's own cycle. I suppose by keeping a journal of our mood it might be possible to connect it to a lunar cycle, or some such thing. In the end, however, it really doesn't matter how often or why though, it just IS.
The ups and downs of spousal acceptance are also familiar to many of us, sadly.
Thanks for the cartoon. It is a hoot!
Hugs
Yes, this post is only too familiar I'm afraid. Words alone don't help. Good news about your legs though.
On balance I definitely think it's better having to deal with a sometimes-angry wife than it is to be without her or worse still in the closet. Mrs.J is and has been fantastic, but she still has periods when it gets to her.
I completely understand your wife's vacillation, but please beware! I've read posts of other in your position, where the wife manipulated her spouse into a position, where she was in control, and she then rationed her spouse's girl time out, according to her whims. That is not a good situation to get yourself into. Only you can judge your needs. Obviously for her sake, a balance needs to be struck, but never give anyone, even your spouse, that kind of total control over you. You deserve to be who you are, whenever you need to express it, within reason. After all, you are only trying to be the person you have always known you were, ever since you were a child.
Keep working on it, Elly. This is all knew to your wife. It's going to take time for you both to reach a level of mutual comfort.
Big hug!
Melissa XX
Melissa XX
Thanks for the kind words Halle, Jenny, and Melissa; it really helps to know that there are others who care.
Hugs, Elly
Elly, my wife and I were in a similar tug-of-war situation some years back, and I would also go into a deep funk when we argued or she started expressing distaste for my feminized body. It was confusing that sometimes it was ok, other times she almost seemed disgusted (maybe I was projecting my fears) to touch me. But now, although I still don't dress much around her, she seems to have accepted my body changes and the idea that eventually I probably will transition. So, basically I'm saying to hang in there, it can turn out ok.
Bare legs are interesting. They are the one obviously feminine thing about me that anyone can see, since I coach youth soccer. However, whether it's because I tan fairly deeply or people don't know how much hair an asian man normally has, I've never really gotten any comments on it. Maybe they just don't think it's any of their business, in which case perhaps this place isn't as conservative as I thought. Anyway, enjoy the feel of those smooth legs!
I fear that the coaster is going to be your usual state for some time, El. Your wife has two (or more) wildly conflicting emotions, and they take turns. I'm sure she loves you deeply and would hate to lose you. Other times she feels the battle is already lost and she's being used. All you can do is ride the waves.
@ Melissa-- How horrible! I would hate to be in that girl's position.
Post a Comment