This post is inspired by my friend Halle's latest post "Difficult Question". If you haven't read her posts you can find her at hallesfacade (dot) blogspot (dot) com. (Some day I'll learn how to set up a link the proper way).
Anyway, I too, didn't disclose to my wife prior to marriage that I had this 'condition'; it was out of both ignorance (it will go away I thought) and definitely shame. And like so many others I was deceitful to her with my failure to tell her all. I've apologised so many times but I know that I can't take it back and it almost destroyed us, and still could if we let it. Would she have accepted me at face value had she known about Eleanor too? I think that I would have run if I had been in her shoes and if I remember correctly she said just that in one of our more heated 'discussions'. But, we're still together eighteen months after full disclosure-and still very much in love with each other.
Any good, positive relationship has a give-and-take and we have ours too, and not just in things like division of labor and responsibilities. She accepts the fact that I was 'born this way' and didn't just choose to be bi-gender, at this point she does accepts my need to express the Eleanor side; just doesn't like it. To keep peace and harmony I have made compromises that still allow me to be me, the real, the whole me, and yet expressions that are within her comfort zone. At this time, she just doesn't want to see me dressed as Eleanor. I can deal with that and use the odd day or weekend when she's not around, sounds like I'm still in the closest but I don't see it that way. Ms C's concessions to me are my shaved legs, earrings, eyebrows, clear-coated nails, and the 'girl' clothing that is part of our common wardrobe. She jokes about Eleanor at times and I feel loved and blessed in our marriage.
The question was raised during one of my therapy sessions would I transition if money and marital status were not a factor and my answer was no, I'm OK being this male-guy that's not so very male. I know at this point that I don't need to, I can live in this world as I came into it unlike some true transsexuals that have no choice.
Would I have done things differently had I know then what I know now?, I would like to think so, but then love does some strange things to two people.
Hugs, Elly
4 comments:
Elly, I really liked the theme of this post. I re-posted on T-Central.
Calie xxx
Thanks for continuing the discussion originally started over at "Anne's Ella es asi".
Halle
xox
Actually, my post was inspired by the questions raised by Casey's post over at "Yes, She is My Husband", Entitled, "Being the Partner".....
http://sheismyhusband.blogspot.com/
But I am glad to see this issue given some serious thought.
I suppose I am a member of the failure to disclose club. I was married shortly after my 21st birthday and am now nearing 60. I can easily plea to a combination of ignorance and shame.
I was the all american boy and reallyd did not know that I even had gender issues. I was a hard studying student who was active in multiple sports and multiple other activities who was working full time from my first year of college. While others of my generation were talking about contemplating their navals (drugs in the early 1970s spanned the spectrum from pot to acid with everything in between) I was too busy to contemplate anything other than getting to my next class or being to work on time.
Pat
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