Balancing Act

It's been a while since my last post what with pre-vacation activity and then Christmas Vacation and then the long days of the reality of back to work. Our vacation was great in spite of the uncontrollable factors such as weather (it was cold and windy) and some mechanical issues. And yes, Eleanor came along at least just for the ride. There was no point in not inviting her because she is a very real part of me and that's where the balance act comes in.

In the past year and a half Eleanor's presence has grown or should I say unfolded as I/we have learned about myself/ourself. I guess that it's time to drop the 'I/we' and just use 'me' because that's become a more accurate description. At first, Eleanor was around only when dressed, that has evolved and matured to being present all the time; hence, the 'me'. Realizing that there was no 'stuffing-back-in-the-bottle', I have been gradually giving way in my mannerisms, looks, and even speech/language; it's not a forced issue, it just sort of flows somewhat naturally. I am becoming a rather effeminate male in many respects, but stopping well short of the stereotypical flamboyance; it's just not me. It is a slow and evolutionary process as I become more aware of myself.

I'm not out and about as much as I would like, but there has to be some compromise for our marriage, not a sell-out, just sensitive to my wife's needs and concerns as well. Often it's enough to go about dressed in androgynous girl clothing that can 'pass' as drab-just no make-up (well not all the time!). It's enough that when I have to go into a normal guy place like a tire shop or garage that I really feel what it must be like to be a cis-girl in a place like that. As Walter Shochuck said in The Big Lebowski, "Donnie, you're out of your element". It's a great film by the way. I do have holidays and vacation time that does allow me my Eleanor time to go to the mall and shop and play during the day; I just have to remember not to put myself in an environment that is not suitable for a woman of my age. Selective lounges/bars during very selective times. Maybe eventually my wife and I can go out together (can always dream can't I?).

During our vacation my sister-in-law called about her only daughter, she announced that she is lesbian and has a girl-friend. This young woman is intelligent and has a very promising career ahead of her, just hard for a mom to take. My wife took it in stride, guess she's not surprised about anything anymore after me and my disclosure. This sister-in-law is aware about me, to what extent I don't know but I'm OK with it. The last time my sis-in-law visited she had made a comment to my wife that there's something different about 'J', I guess a conversation ensued, oh well!

Anyway, may the new year bring all of you peace and happiness.

Hugs, Elly