I got them GD blues again...

No, I'm not talking bad 'bout my creator, just the gender dysphoria that has returned. I felt good last Saturday and did one of my current favorite things, grocery shopping. I really felt that Eleanor was in charge; felt like a girl, walked like a girl, and was dressed like a girl (mostly). Something happened on the drive home however, I burst into tears and was crying (like a girl), ended up sitting in the car at home for about 5 minutes crying. Ms C noticed. That night I had another episode of tears and ended up going to bed in her arms with those hopeless sobs. What brought it on? Maybe it was the realization that I will never be the girl that I see myself as; to quote Jenny from the UK, I will always be a 'bloke'.

Therapy has helped me to learn that I am what the Native Americans call 'two-spirit'. I have both male and female living in this male body; the two don't always get along very well. I have learned to accept that sometimes Eleanor is in the driver's seat and she can sometimes be a very aggressive driver-worse than the male me. I tend to relate more with women, I'm envious of the way they look, dress, and act. But I know that I can't be a girl and also be a loving husband to my wonderful soul-mate wife. Stuck in a conundrum.

On a positive note, we are going to celebrate our 11th anniversary this weekend and in spite of a very rocky past year I am optimistic that we will survive this and all the other problems that we will face. It's like my therapist 'J' said this past Tuesday, "when you encounter a tunnel on the roadway of life it's best to just go forward in anticipation that there will be a light at the end-don't hesitate at the opening or you will miss out on life".

Hugs, Elly