This past Tuesday was my monthly session with "J", the wonderful therapist that I see. I look forward to these appointments because I always learn something about myself during these visits, she helps me to 'unfold' so to speak. And I have unfolded quite a bit in the past 17 months.
The latest 'unfold' was sharing with her this feeling that I had a couple weeks ago as I awoke from a night's sleep, I feel like a girl. It's a really strange thing to say but I felt like a girl that morning and through much of the day. And this feeling has happened since then too. Irrational, because I've never been a real girl and I have no idea what a girl might feel. We explored this thought and what it might mean, is Eleanor becoming more in control, more demanding; and is it happening because I'm letting it? A few examples came to my mind; the vulnerability I expose myself to when on a solo early-morning run in the dark, the freeing ability to chat with strangers while grocery shopping-like at the deli counter (dressed in drab), and the unconscious language and body mannerisms that say 'girl'. Not unpleasant by any means but very different from 'normal' male behavior. My friend Halle touches on many of these same issues I think. Am I closing in on some kind of balance between my two genders or spirits where instead of two separate genders determined by clothing one wears I am becoming this mix of boy and girl, a blend? I think so and am rather happy with this blended me.
If nothing more, "like a girl" would make a great title for a song....
Hugs, Elly
1 comment:
Yes, I too have been wrestling with what those 'girl' feelings mean. Major changes in the outward expression are very 'expensive', so I am constantly asking "what minimum changes are necessary to bring some peace."
So happy to hear you are exploring this 'cost-effective' method as well Elly!
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