The last couple of days I've felt rather out of sorts. At first, I thought the 'fog' was returning after a rather pleasant absence; but no, that wasn't it. I felt as if I wasn't quite there with the world, distant yet still making the movements of life, at some kind of balance or equilibrium point. Neither male nor female, in the middle between the two. Is it possible that my spirit had achieved balance within itself? It was not an unpleasant feeling, I just felt distanced from most things. Of course, my wife noticed and asked what was wrong and I was ready with a stock reply, 'nothing, just thinking'. Missed opportunity?-perhaps, but I had no real answer at the time.
It wasn't until later last evening as sleep was beginning that the idea of balance came to mind, the equation where one side equals the other. I found myself getting up and writing a note to myself about those thoughts. This post is a result. Anyone with similar feelings that might care to share?
Hugs, Elly
3 comments:
I hate being in gender limbo. I feel like the living dead, whenever I feel neither here nor there. For me it is a feeling of being a lost soul. A feeling of utter hopelessness. I don't feel at peace at all, during those times. I feel like a non-person. I hope that's not how you feel Elly,because it's a very lonely feeling.
Melissa XX
For most of my life I had a collection of 'guy personalities' I had rehearsed and relied on for most of my life to let me pass as a man. What you are describing resembles the internal filling of the void left when I banished those phony people. What has replaced those put-on personalities is me, and yes it feels strange sometimes when I find myself in a situation where a macho, knee-jerk reaction used to make its appearance. Is the way I act now male or female? It is me. The way I look is unfamiliar, but internally, I am just me now. I am a work in progress, as I suspect you are.
I have to agree with Melissa that 'at peace with myself' is not how this feels to me. Instead, that strange feeling reminds me of my continuing incongruity, and the risks it brings of discovery. The way I think and the way I look really do not match as well as they once did.
Interesting post and interesting comments.
I really don't think I have ever had a guy personality. I've been thinking a lot lately about when I was very young and may soon do a post about that. How I acted, who I played with, etc.
As for today, I am always in the fog. I find myself in low-level depression probably at least once a week. I've learned to manage it, however, and to anticipate it. The result, however, is someone who is often referred to as moody or of having mood swings.
Calie xxx
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