It's been several weeks since my last post, several weeks of good, bad, and flat. The equilibrium that I spoke of was, in my mind, rather pleasant; a neither here nor there, a balanced yin-yang. That was followed by our old friend pink-fog and its companion depression and this just before the best holiday in America-Thanksgiving. I am a self-professed expert on not talking, especially when my mood begins to falter and stumble and that's what happened. What a way to start out a long holiday weekend in the sounds of silence.
In spite of all, the dinner turned out to be a huge success; maybe because I was alone and not bothered while I was cooking (we have a very small one-person kitchen). Two of our friends who had been invited showed up as well as Mc C's two boys and an un-declared truce was called; the dinner was very pleasant. The Pepto-Bismal-Pink Cranberry Relish disappeared as always. The rest of the weekend was spent at the beach, fishing on the ocean (caught dinner), and more time on the beach. I took Monday as a day of vacation, Ms C had to go to work.
I had planned to make this an Eleanor Day but then realised that the malls and freeways would be mobbed with holiday shoppers, no fun for this girl. Plan B went into effect and I dressed as casual Elly and went about running errands around town in very androgynous clothing but none-the-less all girl, just without makeup. It felt OK and as natural as could be and I ended up going to work the next day dressed similarly. It was good up to a point when a front came through and shorts and flip-flops quickly became summer wear.
That evening my mood shifted with the temperature and 'flat' became the best way to describe things and has remained. 'Flat' I describe as neither good nor bad, just there; consuming oxygen and being a very neutral entity-a functioning life form but not much more. I know that there is an end to this state just as I know that it will return at a later date. It does give one cause to think though..........
So there you have it; the good, the bad, and the flat. Hopefully not coming to a theater near you at any time.
Hugs, Elly
2 comments:
I have often tried to imagine how being 'normal' would feel. Flat just about captures it. If being happy is really possible, then you have to be content while living 'flat' too sometimes, don't you think?
I strikes me that bipolar people frequently go off their meds because they hate how flat they feel on them. When depressed or manic, they feel. And most adore the mania, not realizing or caring that they are awful to be around.
For me, feeling flat sometimes makes me miss the dysphoria. How sick is that?
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