I love that "Who's on First" dialog of Abbot and Costello, frustratingly amusing. It says a lot about life I think, do we really know who's on first?
Depression has been a constant companion of mine since about age six. I remember sitting by myself in the semi-dark basement where I wrote a pact to myself. I wrote that age 19 would be my end, why 19 I don't know; I just felt so sad and alone. It was about the same time that I realized that I was different from the other boys in school, didn't want to play in their games; I was a loner. I noticed that girls dressed and acted differently than boys, they were much kinder. Guess I felt connected to them though I didn't know why. I was somewhere in the middle.
Does depression fuel the gender dysphoria or does the dysphoria fuel the depression? I have felt lately that the two are actually one in the same, dysphoria and depression are the same for me most of the time. Certainly, there is the stand-alone version of depression that many people endure whether transgender or not; but then there is that depression/GD that so often inhabits our beings, pushing us to the limits of our sanity. My therapist,"J", has told me that my depression and gender dysphoria are linked together, I tend to agree with her.
It all makes for an interesting life. Just when we're at the lowest and can't go on any more; when we're ready to throw in the towel, a dim light begins to glow and we receive that special gift of life. And we go on to live yet another day. We become We the Living (Ayn Rand).
Hugs, Elly
2 comments:
How fortunate, that you didn't make good on you pact with yourself at 19!
Melissa XX
I can very much identify with this. When I was at the pit of my depression I came to the conclusion I wouldn't reach the age of 40. I may not have quite achieved it yet, but several years later I have every confidence in doing so.
My GD and depression definitely have a symbiotic relationship. I wouldn't say both at once are inevitable though, for me when I came out of the closet the depression went down from a crescendo to background noise and with the occasional hiccup has remained that way (touch wood) ever since.
Post a Comment